Not now, so when?

I have a girlfriend, we were same in a student dormitory, different room. That morning, she and I had promise to go to coffee in the afternoon. She said she would go first because she needed to study a little and then saw me. I was so surprised. I could arrange and go with her together, truly, time was not my problem. How much alone when drink coffee lonely, I had never done this before. Of course, I still followed her plan because we were just new friends, not closely to say anything happening in my mind at that time.

When I opened the coffee shop´s door, I saw her, the woman very enjoyed and totally focused on her book with an espresso cup on left side table. She didn´t know my coming until I said ¨Hi¨. The coffee was hang up spider and witches and pumpkin, Halloween decor.

That moment made me confused. I really want go out and do exercise, sometime aslo want to go to coffee, will order some juice and leisurely relaxing, or watch movie in the theater is my wish, or extremly dream to travel by walking, bicycle, driving motor to village and eat all street foods I meet, freely sit on the beach or lay on grass listen to wind and wave sounds. But not all, one of my wish list is to study more another language only to image new lands in the world. Sadly everything just stops in a ¨want¨ word. I didn´t have enough confident to go coffee alone with a reason ¨staff will ask: How many people go with you¨ - Oh, only me- that answer wakes my lonely worry up¨. Going to cinema for watching movie was always a dream because people around me were most of couple or family, ¨I don´t have any friends here- myself repeats - a hurt true¨.

My life happened that way during 30 years and I became the top of disappointed person. There were many things I wanted to do but all passed time by time. I keep thinking of her life, an espresso cup and realize that how much health and youth I left? ¨Have I ever enjoyed my life and lived with it - I asked my self¨. Not much, a day passes, a change goes. I can´t wait until somebody appears and change me, change my thought and change my life. And why I need somebody to do that instead of myself. It´s my life isn´t it?

Two years passed from that moment and now I jump into my life, live everyday but not only sadness as the past, choose the happy moment to enjoy and step quickly over the worried and humdrum life. Smile always as the breath, nothing can stop the desire to become an independent and happy person. What happens, I will accept and make the life match with it, always to move forward and listen to my inside whisper.

I´m living and you?

Jane 19th Sep 2020